| Cara Beckerle - Journals |
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| 10.01.03 “…I don’t really know who I am, but life is for learning…we are stardust, billion year old carbon, we are golden, caught in the devil’s bargain, and we’ve got to get ourselves back to the garden…” Joni Mitchell It’s fall…sweater weather and time for a new pair of shoes. And time for more change. I think that this season of change is even more difficult for me than any of “big” milestones that everyone talks about – graduation from high school or college, getting that first apartment or first “real” job. Those were cake. Maybe because the next step is less clear for me right now. I am trying to let go. But it’s not easy. I’m not panicking – yet. Florida was beautiful, wonderful, everything that Florida should be. I had the best time with my family. Someone asked me before I left if I liked spending time with my family… which was funny to me because of course I do. I love my family. I’m one of the lucky ones. In CD news, we are revising the timeline of the project. Not a big deal, it’s just that some things are taking longer than we initially hoped. The important thing to me is to get it right, so I’m not too stressed about it. Sorry, but you will all have to wait just a bit longer…probably mid-November before everything is duplicated and ready for public consumption. Lots going on, lots to think about, so keep me in your thoughts in the next month or so, and I will keep you all posted on the latest and greatest from my little corner of the world! --cara |
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| 10.03.03 "...It's easier to believe in this sweet madness, glorious sadness that brings me to my knees...in the arms of the angel, may you find some comfort here" Sarah McLachlan Listening to Muddy Waters makes me want to be a blues singer. Realistically, I know that I am far too vanilla to be believable as a blues "mama" but there is this part of me that wants to spend hours in dark, smoky clubs singing all of those love gone wrong songs. There's something in me that is drawn to that darkness. Most of the time, I don't feel that way. I am pretty (sometimes annoyingly, I'm sure) positive most of the time. But I think we all have a piece of us that is familiar with the low places, the shadows that you sometimes can't get away from. Fortunately, for me it's a choice. I can stay there for a while - most of the time I just get in touch with those places to deal and move on. Write about it, think about it, and then get back into the sunshine. I don't want to get too comfortable in the valley. It's a place I visit, but I wouldn't want to live there. Uncertainty takes me there...not knowing the next step makes me uncomfortable. If I were my friend Melissa Breed, I might just pack it all in and head off into the sunset like some philosophical cowgirl. She is my hero for being brave enough to do that. But I am tied to my anchor of belongings and securities that in the end don't really mean much. I'm afraid to commit to a direction because of what might be missed on that other path. But eventually we all have to choose a direction - sure or unsure, right or wrong - and stick with it. I'll get there. Just not today. Today I'll sing the blues for a while - but tonight I'll start looking for my walking shoes. I'll need to put them on eventually. --cara |
| 10.30.03 “Today my heart is big and sore, trying to push right through my skin; won’t see you anymore, I guess that’s finally sinking in…” Patty Griffin Ever have one of those days when it feels like your head is so full of thoughts that it is hard to concentrate on one thing? I’m having one of those months. It’s been so long since I said hello to all of you, and it has been a whilrwind, to say the least. I’m trying to focus on one little puzzle piece at a time, otherwise the big picture gets overwhelming. I think the hardest part for me is that I’m having to make decisions based on events that are not of my own choosing. It’s probably a lesson I need to learn – life happens and you have to roll with the punches and move on. I think I’m finally at a place of peace with it all. The anal part of my personality has the plan that it so desperately needs and I feel good about it. Because when it really comes down to it, it’s not my plan that matters… and I’m trusting that the hand that has guided me this far will continue to work in my life. My brain is still crowded – just because I have the direction doesn’t mean that I don’t still have fears and doubts. But I know that those will be calmed in time, and that all I need will be provided. “My heart is glad and my soul rejoices, my body also rests secure…You show me the path of life.” Until next time, my friends. --cara |
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